Teh Bestest TP Storie Evah
by This Account Is Totally Dead
Summary: Sometimes, she finds a corner and cries in it. A parody. [rated for mild swearing and mockery of sexual conduct]


_Have you ever dug through your old stories folder and found something complete but just very old? Well, if you have, I hope you posted it because the older the DB fanfic the higher quality it probably is, and if you haven't be consoled with my attempt at archive!fic._

Enjoy.

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It was summer at Capsule Corporation, and so Bulma had called on the occasion to hold one of her parties that crop up everywhere in fanfic and only once in all 400 or so episodes that make up the Dragonball series. Everyone was there, from the Son family to the "Chestnut / Kuri / Roshi / whatever you want to say as Krillen has no last name and neither does #18" family.

Even Yamcha was there, even though he is a baby-eating rapist who Bulma hates for cheating on her while she was busy banging Vegeta. Goku and Piccolo were in attendance too, because I either hate DBGT with a passion or never bothered to watch it. Probably a combination of both, actually, which is why is makes perfect sense to write a story using DBGT characters.

Over by the buffet table, those with Saiyan blood were eating, and at one table sat Trunks, Goten, Marron, Pan and Bra. Since I doubt your intelligence, imagination, and knowledge of what these people look like -- because this is a fanfic, it's not like you've ever seen the show before -- I'll be happy to describe them all for you.

Actually, I won't, because I have dyslexia, ADHD, insomnia, and am allergic to Mahogany. This means that when I write, and do it badly, I'm not to blame because it's my genes and mental illnesses. Anyway, they're all too pretty for mere words to describe, except for Marron who is a blonde slutty bitch whore for the sole reason that I am too stupid to create an OC of my own.

They were sitting and talking about romance, because that is all people between the ages of 17 and 31 ever talk about, especially when "these people" include one set of brother and sister and another set of uncle and niece.

"So anyway," Trunks was saying, "As I am for fanfiction plot purposes a complete and utter playboy, I had sex with eight different women last night."

"At once?" Bra gasped, desperate to know the details of her elder brother's sex life. Trunks laughed.

"No, one at a time... although that's not a bad idea." Brother and sister laughed cheerfully.

Goten sighed. "Wow, Trunks, you're so lucky to have a girlfriend. I've only had one girlfriend, Paris, but she cheated on me and I broke up with her because she is a slutty bitch and I am an innocent virgin."

Strains of freaky music began to play, as we have obviously entered the Twilight Zone: A place where Trunks dates and Goten doesn't.

Pan nodded. "I know what you mean. I'm also a virgin, but not because I've never had a boyfriend -- in fact, I'm always dating some abusive surreally powerful guy! But I'm secretly in love with someone --" Here Pan stared at Trunks for a minute, "subliminally" letting you, the audience, know who this "someone" is. "--And I'm saving myself for him, because that is very romantic and clichéd."

"The two things that matter!" Bra giggled. "But don't feel left out, Pan, because I am a virgin, too. Completely and totally. Never had sex, not me, no sir."

Marron, who had been quiet all this time, frowned slightly and spoke up. "You are? No offense, but you're always dressed sort of like a -- well -- hooker, Bra."

Everyone gasped. "Marron, you slutty bitch!" Trunks cried, "How dare you speak those falsehoods!"

Marron looked surprised. "I didn't mean to upset Bra, but it's a fac--"

Bra burst into tears, and Pan patted her shoulder comfortingly. "There there," Pan cooed, "Everyone knows that a mini-skirt and mini-tank-top made of shiny red plastic, matched with thigh-high boots and gloves of the same material, does not constitute a hooker's outfit. Well, everyone knows except for that slutty bitch Marron, anyway."

Bra sniffed and nodded. "Y-yeah." She said shakily.

Marron looked a little confused. "Well, sorry." She said. Goten frowned.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all."

There was an awkward silence. After a minute, however (during which everyone vanished off the scene except for Trunks and the others, because it takes too much effort to remember there are other people around), Bra grinned.

"I know! Let's play Truth Or Dare!"

"Yeah!" Everyone replied, despite most of them being well out of their teenage years, and all of them being over twelve.

The author snapped her fingers and the characters were suddenly inside Capsule Corp.'s living room, wearing different outfits.

Trunks was wearing a pair of navy blue slacks and a white button-down shirt, both from a really really fancy and expensive name brand store that I don't know the name of. Well, that's what he'd really wear in real life... but this is manwhore!Trunks, so he's wearing a black skin-tight tank top and baggy pants. And he looks really hot. By the way.

Goten was wearing a pair of faded denim blue jeans with a small hole in the left knee. He also wore a green long sleeved shirt. He also looks really hot, but not as hot as Trunks. By the way.

Pan was wearing either a oversized shirt she had bought in the "men's" section of fancy name brand store here, that still managed to show all her "curves in the right places," or she was wearing a red tank-top that showed her stomach and "curves in the right places." Either way, she was also wearing dark blue jeans, and the shirt just depends on if I'm trying to act on the "Pan is a complete tomboy!" stereotype or the "Pan is a SEXAY GRRL" stereotype.

Bra was wearing a tight black leather miniskirt and a matching sleeveless top, also made of black leather. She was glove-less today, but she did wear a pair of black leather skintight boots. BUT SHE'S NOT A SLUT, NOR DOES SHE LOOK LIKE ONE! You're probably just jealous.

Finally, Marron was wearing her usual pink sundress. Her hair was in pigtails, which is a clear indication that she is a blonde slutty bitch. She's not getting described, either, because people might think I like her or something if I do.

They were sitting in a circle on the carpet. Bra went first, and, like in all good fanfiction, cut to the point at once. "Pan, truth or dare?" She said. Pan hesitated, and choose truth.

"**Are you secretly in love with Trunks**?" Bra asked, in bold because otherwise the readers might miss the "subtlety" of the question.

Pan, rather then lie like every sensible person ever to play Truth Or Dare, nodded. "Yes." Pan said shyly, suddenly interested in poking her fingers together, because that is the only way to express such a situation.

Trunks gasped, and quietly thought in his head, "Wow, Pan is secretly in love with me? I am shocked! But, she's pretty hot, so I wouldn't mind sleeping with her, which must mean I'm in love with her too! Gasp! But my family will never approve and other such "plot making" stuff, so angst angst angst, whine moan pity sad. Also, I can't tell her, despite the new knowledge that she likes me back. If I tell her how I feel, bad stuff might happen. For some reason. Woe is me, to be secretly in love with someone who secretly loves me." Trunks finished his silent monologue, only to find that everyone has been patiently waiting for him to stop so that the story may continue.

"Anyway," Pan said cheerfully, "Uncle Goten, truth or dare."

"Truth!" Goten said, falling also into the plot device that makes secret love obvious to everyone, because no one ever gets together without secret love, alcohol, games of truth or dare, and/or sex. Usually badly written sex to boot, but I digress that point.

"Hm," Pan said in fake thoughtfulness, probably musing whether or not to say something realistic or settle for the clichés. You'll never guess which won.

"Are you secretly in love with Bra?" Pan exclaimed.

Goten, too, nodded. I'd comment about how there's no way that he might be lying or anything, but in truth I'm trying to leave room to say he is. Bra blushed, and did an inner monologue silently in her head, just like her elder brother had done paragraphs before.

"Wow, Goten is secretly in love with me? I am shocked! But, he's pretty hot, so I wouldn't mind sleeping with him, which must mean I'm in love with him too! Gasp! But my family will never approve and other such "plot making" stuff, so angst angst angst, whine moan pity sad. Also, I can't tell him, despite the new knowledge that he likes me back. If I tell him how I feel, bad stuff might happen. For some reason. Woe is me, to be secretly in love with someone who secretly loves me."

Marron sat in her corner of the room, generally being ignored by everyone else because she is TEH H34RTLE55 B1TCH, YO!1 Everyone hates her. She should die. I am repetitive for the purpose of "secretly" conforming you to the ways of my "canon" and "in character" fanfic, because who wants to read something with resemblance to the characters and situations from the show we're writing about, anyway?

Anyway.

The main point of this oh-so-subtle Truth Or Dare game accomplished, I shall gloss over everything else pertaining to it, or better yet skip it entirely.

The sun suddenly went down, the moon rose. Don't bother worrying about the sudden time-change, as this is a badfic and can't be helped. After all, I'm between the ages of thirteen and fifteen, a complete idiot, and I think I'm a literary genius because I passed English with a A and know that grammar is, in fact, spelled with an "a," not "e."

(Author's Note: Hiiii! It's me, KIOKOROTSUKO THE AUTHOR! I just wanted to say that as this is TEH BEST STORIE EVER, you have to give me fifty reviews before the I update again, because that way I'll know you love it!11one. You don't have to do it now, but when the story ends! Or else I'll make Pan die and pair Trunks with thatblondeslutbitchwhore Marron!1 You don't want that, do you? If you don't review, you're a baby-eating T/M fan!)

* * *

Because I am lazy and more then a little stupid, the next section will be written in pseudo-script format.

It was night at Capsule Corp. Pan and Bra were in the kitchen, eating dinner, and Trunks and Goten were watching T.V in the living room, both groups positioned so that I may exploit the opportunity for more secret feelings of love to be revealed and exploited.

Pan: Bra... can I tell you something?

Bra: nods

Yes -- I am too lazy to write out "Bra nodded." Deal with it.

Pan: Well... can you keep a secret?

Bra: Of course!

Bra: thinking Wait till the people that read my Live Journal hear about this!

Pan: Well, I think that I'm secretly in love with Trunks.

Bra: Oh... I knew that. Remember the whole Truth or Dare scene from a couple minutes ago?

Pan: Well, yeah, but we need to repeat the idea so that it really sinks in.

Pan and Bra: laugh

Meanwhile, in the living room, Trunks and Goten were having a similar conversation. Where is Marron, you ask? Who cares! If you care, you're a baby eating Trunks/Marron fan.

Trunks: Oh, Goten... I'm secretly in love with your niece, Pan.

Goten: Do I have more then one niece?

Trunks: Huh?

Goten: Sorry, but the author thinks it's funny if I act like a mentally retarded version of my father, even though canonically I seem to be right in the "average" section of the IQ spread.

Trunks: Oh, all right.

Trunks: Anyway, I'm secretly in love with Pan. But it's a secret. I've been in love with her from the moment she was born.

Goten: 0.o

Goten: Look, my trauma is proved by the way two o's and a period make a face shape! But also, that's kind of sick. Actually, it's really sick.

Trunks: Yeah, I know, but the author thinks it's romantic.

Goten: What was that sound?

Trunks: The fourth wall shattering completely, no doubt.

Goten: Oh, right. Also, I'm going to take this opportunity to point out that I, too, am secretly in love with someone. Someone as in, Bra.

Trunks: Sure! Date my little sister! Why would I care otherwise?

Trunks and Goten: Laugh

Fourth Wall: Screw you, Parron. leaves

With a pop sound, the world shifted back into prose... but not just any prose, purple prose! The best kind there is!

Ivory hands gripped the table, fingertips caressing the alabaster and cerulean fibers of the weary twill that rested atop the periphery of the maple wood lectern as muscles uplifted the rest of her cogent torso, so that it might be able to traverse from the gallery to other locals. Crimson and beryl apparel rustled with the deed, and the ivory palms left the console at last to rest in a chamber off her breeches.

Standing now, the figure began to amble leisurely towards the space's egress, and once outside, she journeyed to the television room to ultimately sit within the confines of a settee, lightly azure in tint. The box was switched on, presenting a narrative of epic proportions consisting of a lad and his escapades on an islet in the company of six additional individuals such as a lecturer and captain.

Cherry colored lips curled into a beam as she examined the performance, and she watched in contented gladness for a number of minutes. A fresh being strolled into the den then, and he spoke a salutation mellifluously to her. "Hello."

"Oh!" She answered deftly, "I did not presume that I would witness you here tonight."

"Still," was the rejoinder, "This is my domicile."

The two individuals gazed at one another, and the amethyst tinted text was misplaced in favor of an unpretentious method.

"So…" Pan said. "Wanna make out?"

"Yeah, okay." Trunks replied, shrugging.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in outer space…_

* * *

Her name was Brussels-sprout-Carrot-Olive-Lentil-Onion-Cucumber-Lettuce, and she was the last remaining full-blooded Saiyan woman in existence. She was a very beautiful woman; with waist-length ashen black hair that fell in silky waves down her back. She was tall, had skin as white as obsidian, and eyes the exact color and shade as brilliant scarlet emeralds. Naturally, she was also built like the most silicone filled supermodel in existence, because women aren't pretty unless they have massive, Tomb-Raider-looks-tiny-in-comparison breasts.

Brussels-sprout-Carrot-Olive-Lentil-Onion-Cucumber-Lettuce was also the child of the God of the Saiyan, which meant that she had special Godlike powers on top of her strength and skill. She was the strongest and most beautiful person to ever walk the face of the universe, and she was headed to Earth.

You see, Brussels-sprout-Carrot-Olive-Lentil-Onion-Cucumber-Lettuce (who shall from now on be known as "Sakura," because Japanese names are cool and the name Sakura has all sorts of lovely connotations and ISN'T CLICHÉ IN THE LEAST) was also enslaved to her evil stepfather, who just so happens to be the evil and strong older brother of Freeza. And she was being sent to Earth to destroy it. Not that Sakura wanted to, because she has a SUPER PURE HEART and is also pretty, but she had to because her evil stepfather was an evil baby-eating rapist.

Sometimes, Sakura finds a corner and cries in it. Her life is very depressing. Don't you sympathize with her? You should, or else you are a stupid flamer jerk and everyone hates you. She hoped that one day, she would find true love – someone pretty and good looking and handsome and hot and someone who was a real bishonen. Also, he should be a canon character and be strong.

(Author's Note: But she's totally not a Mary-Sue! OMG! She has lots of faults. She's afraid of spiders, and she is too stubborn and she's AFRAID OF LETTING PEOPLE SEE HER PAIN and she is too nice. Those are totally real bad traits. She is totally a well-rounded character. And not a Mary-Sue.)

So reluctantly, and with much beautifully expressed angst, Sakura headed to Earth.

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_(To be continued?)_

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_Footnote: The name of the "author," Kiokorotsuko, is just a silly reference to another parody I once wrote – I needed a Japanese sounding name that obviously wasn't a real name, so I went to my Japanese writing program and typed randomly._

Footnote 2: I adore Marron. She is one of my favorite characters in all the anime I've ever seen; so any 'bashing' of her is done with love and isn't meant seriously. Coincidentally, my pen name was created out of my love of her and another DB character…

Footnote 3: Sorry if my dislike for certain fandom-y aspects comes on a little strong, I'm a bitter person who has been in this fandom far too long. :P

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End file.
